There's no cream for the itch I have

My stomach is in knots, I'm anxious, can barely sleep, have no motivation to do anything - translation: it's time to move! Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Korea; I consider Korea home. But the fact remains that this is the longest I've lived in one place since I was 15 and it's time for a change. 

Feels like I'm in a holding pattern of the gym, kids, photography and housework waiting for the rest of my life to begin. I feel like I have gotten all I can out of this PCS and it's simply time to move on, even though that moving on probably means will end up back in Korea in a few  years. 

My current situation is all about waiting and I hate waiting. We're waiting to move, waiting on Randy's application for the Master's program to get accepted, waiting to apply for the chaplain candidacy program, waiting to finish my nursing degree, waiting to have another baby...just basically waiting to find out what's going to happen and when. I'm tired of waiting. A while back I asked God to give me patience - this wasn't what I had in mind. 

At the same time I'm really trying to take advantage of the time I have left in Korea. Like I said, I LOVE Korea. This is the only place besides San Antonio, in the great state of Texas, that has felt like home. I'm still going to school, making sure I spend lots of time with the boys, training in my running, practicing photography, but it's just doesn't feel right any more. It's a hard feeling to explain, but I just feel the need to go, move on, leave, change, and mostly just get out of dodge. It's like having and itch that can't be scratched and it sucks. 

I've done a few sessions this past weekend and am happy with the results. I totally loved working with the Stewart family; they reminded me why I love photography. Their photos weren't anything amazing, just family photos. But they interacted so naturally it was easy to shoot and catch those special moments between them.

So why am I still so frustrated? On the one hand I feel like I'm so busy that I'm neglecting my relationship with God. I know that it should be first on the list, but I still place it after everything else I "have" to do. When did God become something to do, another box to check, something to get to when I have finished everything else? Mostly I'm frustrated with myself for letting this happen. I'm in the middle of a self induced spiritual dry spell and I need to start digging my way to water. 

I was reading last night the last part of Faith Under Fire: An Army Chaplain's Memoir by Roger Benimoff. Of course I can't fully relate to everything he went through in Iraq, but in the last few chapters he began to talk about grace. Being a Christian isn't about never having a bad day, never feeling spiritually dry, or being safe from terrible experiences. Being a Christian is a about going through those times and instead of relying on yourself or someone else, relying on God. 

"God has a plan" seems so cliche and overused but it's true. Even when it feels like nothing is happening, or even that the wrong thing is happening, there is a reason. So I don't particularly understand why I going through this desert, but I'm sure there's a reason and all I should do is rely on God and trust in his grace for all my impatience and shortcomings. 

Abracadabra

I am so frustrated right now as I'm sure most photographers are at some point in their career (not that this is my career per say, but you get the idea). Vent time, hold on...

As a photographer I can smooth out rough edges, take out splotches and zits, whiten eyes and teeth, and even remove an unfortunately placed tattoo or visible bra strap.

As a photographer I CANNOT make you a size 2 when you're really a size 10, make your face/nose/butt smaller/skinnier, remove extensive tattooing (without it looking like something has been removed)...basically, I can ENHANCE what is already there - I can't CREATE something out of thin air. I am not a plastic surgeon or a magician.

Besides, the photo is supposed to be of you, not what you wish you looked like.

Alright, I've vented - deep breath...

I did have a great weekend with my family despite my children and dogs taking turns throwing up. I even got to eat Thai Food for the first time since we got to Korea! It wasn't as good as Thai Taste in San Antonio, but it scratched the itch.

Speaking of itches, I am sooooo ready to move. It's not that I don't like Korea because I absolutely LOVE Korea and I hope we get to live here again in a few years. It's just that I've been in the military so long that after being in one place more than two years I start to get a little anxious (and my house starts to get a little cluttered).

Hopefully in a few months we'll be boarding that plane headed for SA...

Would everything please stop throwing up?!

So I'm awakened last night at 0200 to the sounds of Dean screaming. I say "I'm" because Randy was still fast asleep; I had to yell at him and flip on the light to wake him up. So the entire bed was covered in vomit, including Johnny who was sleeping next to him. Fun.

Needless to say that after that the entire night was spent trying to keep Dean from screaming his head off and cleaning up vomit. He's not especially pleasant today either.

So here I sit, tired with tons of work to do trying to motivate myself to go teach a spin class at the gym. It's been a good weekend though, despite all the  trouble with North Korea. Thursday morning Randy ran the 5k with me. Neither of us won anything but watching him have an asthma attack was well worth the run. I came in about 25:15 after pacing Randy the first half of the race; he came in about 45 seconds after me sucking wind the whole way down the chute.

Of course after that I decide to make him and a CPT we picked up along the way to run another mile. It's always fun to chick two guys in front of their SGM. Hopefully we'll get to do some rock climbing before the weekend is over.

Friday night I gave my testimony at Church. I don't like talking in front of people especially when I'm not prepared (I forgot all about it till about an hour before hand). I ended up talking about how thankful I am for my marriage having been married before and it not going so well (to put it mildly). All in all I think it went well and I let the Holy Spirit guide me.

So Happy Thanksgiving. Time to get ready for Christmas and hopefully start making plans for going back to the states. Should be hearing something soon about Randy's Seminary application and then Chaplain Candidacy. It'll be nice to be back around family, but I am already sad to be leaving Korea. Hopefully God will see fit to send up back here; Korea has really been a blessing for us.

Gobble Gobble.

It's the craziest time of the year

Another long weekend full of photography. Managed to get in over 10 miles of running this week which makes me happy (and much less scary for my family). I must admit that I am really looking forward to only having one session next weekend instead of the four I've been averaging. It'll be a good break before December kicks in. So here's what I've been working on so far this weekend...

Right now there's this buzzing in my head. I need more hours in the day to get everything done. It's the most wonderful time of the year and also the craziest. Between boyscouts, photography, the kids, the husband, the dogs, running, school, the gym, and all the additional stuff that happens this time of year like balls, parties and other mandatory fun I don't feel like I have enough time to do it all. Running is the only thing that keeps me sane and even that has begun to feel like just another "thing" I have to do. 

Because you have to do the things you have to do. At least this year we opted out of the Christmas Cantata and all that other stuff that just means more appointments and less time together as a family. I suppose that's what bugs me the most: this time of year is suppose to be about family, about togetherness, but it ends up being about how much "stuff" you can fit in to your schedule to maximize the enjoyment and experience of the holidays. Of course this maximization that seems to be such an American trait (I blame the Democrats for this), means we end up frustrated and annoyed with each other instead of joyful and fulfilled.  

So this year I'm cutting back - no big Thanksgiving meal, no cantata, no excessive shopping for things that we and our family doesn't need, no agreeing to do things that are going to be time consuming or take away from spending time with my boys. By minimizing the "stuff" I will be maximizing my enjoyment of the holidays, because all I REALLY want for Christmas is time with my family. 

Of course, even with all my minimizing I still feel overwhelmed with "stuff". Hopefully the Thanksgiving weekend will be relaxing and give me a chance to recharge. I'm very blessed to have a husband that  allows me my much needed me time (which usually means time for a run sans jogging stroller laden with kids) and helps out around the house so I have less to do and more time with my boys. I can't thank God enough for him. And that's really what this is about - thanking God for my beautiful family, amazing husband and enough time/energy/ability to accomplish all the "stuff" I have to do with enough time for what I really want to do - spend time with my family. 

I'm about to loose my mind!

So really, when I don't get to run I start to go a little nuts. I can't seem to focus for anything - I need my cardio! Made plans to go run at the gym since it's 30 degrees outside and windy, too cold for the kids in the stroller, but of course that's the night the hubby has to work until who knows when. UGH! So I've been sitting here working...got some great stuff done but I'm so anxious that I can barely stand it! 

 I'm just about ready to get the kids dressed and go drop them off at the husband's office for two hours...on the plus side I had some totally awesome session this weekend! So many great photos I just can't seem to edit them fast enough. I try to aim for a one week or less turn around time so that I don't get too back logged with photos to work on.

Seems like each session I do becomes my new favorite. Such beautiful families. I'm lucky in that I get to see people at their very best - all dressed up and grinning from ear to ear. I get to take photos of adorable babies and then give them back to their parents when they start crying or poop! It's really great!

So the kids are totally driving me nuts. Must...leave...house...must...go...run...

Maybe after I run I can write a blog with complete sentences and thoughts!

The Jolly Green Giant

I should be writing my paper on Huey P. Long and FDR right now (or cleaning my house, but I'll make the husband do that tomorrow). Instead I'm writing this blog, editing photos, and screwing around on facebook thinking about the 10K I'm planning on running tomorrow. Here's a quick sample of what I've been working on:

I am feeling exceptionally brain dead right now and the probability of working on my paper gets smaller and smaller by the moment. The remainder of the evening will probably consist of a shower, last minute snacking, and getting my running gear set out for tomorrow (assuming I don't wake up and decide its just way to cold to get out of bed).

With Veterans day approaching (it's tomorrow here in Daegu), I begin to think about my buddies. Yes, I served in the military. No, I never got to do anything cool - they found out I could type so I spent most of my career in a cubical working on OERs, NCOERs, and other tedious paperwork. I did, however, have friends that served and some that are still serving.

Most of my friends are doing well. One did two tours in Iraq and is now out of the military and married. Two others from my time in Benning are still in the military currently between deployments. My cousin is in Afghanistan (i.e. the armpit of the world). Another good friend is doing well after loosing an eye to an IED in 2007. That same year, same deployment, same unit we lost our friend to an IED...

Nick (or Bill as we called him) WAS the jolly green giant. He was at least 6 foot and built like Paul Bunion. He was quiet, had a passion for cookies, and was always smiling - especially when he talked about his fiancée Ginger.

We knew when they left that the odds were against us - in all likelihood at least one of them wasn't coming back. I still remember getting the phone call from a friend (that shall remain nameless cause she informed me before his family was officially notified)...

Her: "Danielle?"
Me (already knowing something is up cause she never calls me): "Yea?"
Her: "It's Lightner..."
Me: "...oh God no..."

Yea, so those phone calls suck. She went on to tell me that his family didn't know yet but she wanted to let me know because she knew he was like a brother to me. He was and it still hurts like it happened yesterday. I can still remember that feeling of having been punched in the gut while simultaneously seeing stars and barely being able to hear her voice over the buzzing in my ears. I was on my way to wait for him to arrive at BAMC from Walter Reed when she called - I had been called earlier when he was injured; two died instantly, a second later in Iraq, a third in Germany and Nick was the last one on his way to BAMC from Walter Reed. Stable. I was supposed to be meeting his family at BAMC. I was supposed to be there when he got there in case they weren't there when he arrived...

So fast forward through the blur that was the next few weeks and I'm in Fort Hood at the memorial service. I'm not even going to pretend that I wasn't a mushy, sobbing pile of mess. I won't even begin to describe the roll call...

So this Veteran's day I remember my buddies - those that made it, and those that did not. I thank God for letting my friends come back safely, with scars but alive. Mostly I pray that my friends and family that are still "over there" are kept safe and that I never have to get another one of "those" phone calls.

So here's to you SGT Nicholas J. Lightner, gone but never forgotten. 

Crazy Comes In Many Forms

"The beauty of running is its simplicity; the beauty of runners is that we all have a similar drive to improve. We are either trying to run a personal best, or toeing the line for the first time, which will snowball into a future of trying to run personal bests. We road racers are a tight community of mileage-happy, limit-pushing athletes." - Deena Kastor, long distance runner who holds American records in the marathon, half-marathon and numerous road distances. 

My husband doesn't get it. I use to not get it. It wasn't until after I had my first son and decided to run the Army Ten Miler in honor of SGT Nicholas J. Lightner (OIF 21MAR2007) that I finally got it; and once I got it, I got it bad.


Most people tell me I'm crazy and give me funny looks when I tell them I just ran a 10k for no reason other than thats just how far I happened to run that day. Yes, I like to run. Actually, I suppose I could go so far as to say I love to run. It's almost a compulsion, a need and desire that if left unfulfilled for too long will turn me into a cranky, irritable jerk (just ask my husband). 


I'm not very fast and I'm only out to beat myself, but that's apart of the love affair I have with running - it's all about me. Running is the one aspect of my life I can completely control - when, where, how far, how long, what shoes, what clothes, hills or flat, distance or sprint. I walk when I want, run as fast as I want, and take a break when I want. I suppose that's why I hated running while I was in the Army, I didn't get to control any of that and subsequently I ended up damaging my knees from runs that were to slow, to fast, or too far (and often a combination of all three!). So I get why my husband doesn't like running - the Army takes the joy out of it. I guess that's enough Army bashing...for now.


I first started training to run for the 2007 Army Ten Miler just doing laps around my block that consisted of me yelling at myself (in my head of course, I didn't want people thinking I was crazy) to "just keep going" and "you can do it" or "the pain will be worth it". After a few weeks I hit a wall and couldn't get past two miles without panting and clutching my chest like I was having a heart attack so I decided it was time to get a personal trainer. 


I went to Bally's and got a trainer, Anree Lockhart, who eventually became a co-worker and will always be a friend. He taught me the value of cross training in martial arts (which lead to my black belt in Karate) and showed me how running could actually be fun. 


So if you're reading this you were probably with me up until I said the "running is fun" part. I was there. However I must insert this disclaimer: if you have never experienced a "runner's high" or pushed your body past the point where you thought for sure it would just fall apart then you won't get it. I think running works best for those that like a challenge and to push themselves farther than they ever thought they could go. 


I've ended runs laughing uncontrollably to the point where my abs hurt the next day. I've also ended runs sobbing like a baby for no reason. Usually I just end up with a feeling of exhaustion and accomplishment. 


I've logged enough miles that I feel I can safely call myself a runner. Right now I average between 10 and 20 miles a week. I have bad knees courtesy of genetics and the US Army which keeps me from pushing too hard. I like to think I know when to take time off, but realistically something has to be hurting pretty bad for me to take a break. I know my body well enough to run safely (I over-pronate like crazy with my right leg) and I understand enough of the lingo that I can "talk shop" with another runner. I don't spend hundreds of dollars on technical gear; the most technical running gear I own is my running shoes (I did spend $85 on a pair of Vibram for barefoot running - totally worth it). But that's the glory of running, you don't have to buy a bunch of expensive gear or understand what a fartlek is to do it - just run.  (Shoot, I just remembered that I do have a polar watch that tracks my distance/calories/pace/etc. that was $125...)


Running is a subculture that exists and is going strong even in our society of fast food and simulated existence.  I like to be in nature when I run, get away from technology. Often that's not possible and I end up on a treadmill in an air conditioned gym with my iPod blaring Dragon Force, but I try to run outside technology free as often as I can. Running is always my time to reflect and talk to God, even if it's just the last few minutes of my run where I thank God for the ability and opportunity to run, especially since I have friends that will never run again...


So why are you still reading this? I'm not trying to promote running or recruit anyone to the dark side (which is what most people seem to think running is). I simply love to run, in large part because it's simple (as so few things in life are). Maybe the next time you run into me (no pun intended) you won't look at me like I'm crazy when you ask why I'm all sweaty and out of breath only to be told I just finished running 5 miles. I'm not crazy; well, I'm no crazier than anyone else. I get more funny looks when I say I'm a runner than when I say I'm a Christian; what does that tell you about the majority view of runners? 


To be honest, I've completely forgotten where I was going with this little 'running is awesome' tirade. Maybe I should go for a run and try to remember...

Arboretum + Awesome Family = Great Photos!

Despite the horrendous traffic we faced getting to the Daegu Arboretum, the lighting and scenery was outstanding. The only thing better than the lighting and scenery, and what made battling the Korean traffic worth it, was the family I was there to take photos of. I only wish it had stayed light out longer so I could have taken more photos!

 

Just in case you can't tell, these kids were FULL of personality and laughter. I love taking photos of children, probably because they are so unaware of what other people might think and they tend to act with wild abandon - which makes for great shots! 

 All in all a wonderful day and I just can't seem to get up from the computer.